My name is Felix, and this is my personal blog where I post a bunch of random things that go through my mind. My art blog is here.
A black bar, a black stage, some kind of film grain white lights shine down far too bright and too too dark to even read; Caligari’s own might even feel ill-eased in a place of angles, angels such as these
Anyway I like this song a lot
Thinking now about the year 2000…back then, I was lost in a place that we’ll now call “New Lotus City”, and it came to dominate many of my daydreams in June until early August. A place where the rain never stopped, where the ‘commercial districts’ were built on enormous trains that traveled through the city on circular routes, where robotic animals were killed in circuses each night as the chief entertainment… hmm…the man who lived in New Lotus City has died and been reborn many times over, but, even so, returning there brings a strange nostalgia.
"Carbuncles" were administrative machines with televisions for heads… Matthew (one of the main character’s friends) was murdered in an alleyway by a group of them… lots of stories I’d forgotten about in that place
Saw these on my walk earlier…
VIDIRIDRINI: Small, worm-like strangers which, when touched, grow in length (but not width) to a maximum of (hypothetically) several hundred feet long. Vidiridrini live in vast quantity beneath sidewalk panels, emerging only when it rains, much like normal earthworms. Contains many small, bead-like hearts within its flesh- one heart per every 8 inches of body length, arranged evenly. (saw this one while looking at a twig that I initially mistook for a worm)
COLDRIVE: Sub-species of coldroni with black coloration. Turns black any ice it touches. (saw this while looking at the pavement)
EVRITRONI: Small stranger that generates inside of wooden traffic poles. Remains curled-up and asleep its entire life, but purrs loudly when sensitives approach. Friendly when forcibly removed, and does not resist attack, but physical contact with the evritroni is highly carcinogenic. (saw this while walking past a traffic pole)
My creative process is so ‘intuitive’ that these things always come from some subconscious place…it makes things difficult because I really can’t “force” myself to work on things… but… it does feel so nice when I do get to have these visions and things
I was listening to a song in the background, and the lyrics I picked up were “and you know how long it takes for the fruit to rot” - instantly, a waking vision filled my head – a forest of trees, gnarled and twisted, beneath a dark and overcast sky (almost night, but not quite there yet). Although the forest floor was flat, there were mountains in the distance, in the west, and northeast sides… I touched one of the trees, and it was so rotten that it crumbled apart – all of the trees were the same way – trees that, superficially, looked structurally sound (albeit leafless), but which all collapsed into splinters and dirt when touched…
It’s strange how just a single word or line can spur such images inside your brain…I wonder what causes this in people? There are a lot of things I wonder about the human brain
When I’m very depressed, I don’t have any waking visions at all, so this is a good sign, that I’m starting to see them again (it’s been a rough few months for me)…even if this one was a bit morbid
i have been so sick out of my fucking mind from anxiety. last night i had one of the worst anxiety attacks in my life (shivering/shaking, chest pains, stomach upset, etc). I’m trying to have a good outlook about things, and just take it easy/take care of myself, but even with a good mindset, the physical symptoms are really awful.
this may sound dumb but if anyone reading this has dealt with physical illness due to anxiety (particularly anxiety/stress triggered by hormonal changes – I just went off some hormone-based medication and it’s thrown my body out of whack – a bit shy to discuss it here but I can talk more privately), please email me (email@example.com - no tumblr notes, please, email is much easier for me to keep track of). sometimes it helps to know that I’m not alone and not the only person who’s had to deal with this kind of thing.
I have a doctor’s appointment next Friday but blrghh just holding out until then is going to be a chore. really ready to start feeling better…
Today will be better than yesterday… I’m sure of it.
btw, if anyone wants to RP original characters doing gay stuff: just toss me an IM (“earthmanimperial” on both Skype and AIM). i’ve been rambling about wanting to do this for a billion years but keep getting too shy, but I think ~*~my heart and mind are finally ready~*~
or if you just want to chat, in general, about anything. i’m pretty approachable and like making friends. i need to get out of this black hole of shyness.
the other day i read a 65,000 word slash fanfic about schoolboys beating each other up and having rough sex and getting deep feelings about it. livin’ the dream.
…I honestly think I’m ready to come back to Strangers. I haven’t worked on it for a long time (I got really, really burnt out on it)…fun fact about me: whenever I’m invested in a creative project, there’s no “off” switch. When I was working heavily on Strangers, I would spend almost every waking second thinking about it (this isn’t an exaggeration- I am constantly daydreaming, brainstorming, having weird waking visions about all kinds of random things). So while spending 8-14 hours a day thinking about something allows me to really flesh out things, it’s also easy to get burnt out after a while. I need to keep myself busy and switch around a lot with my interests, or I get bored.
The entire project also got wrapped up in a lot of negative emotions and energies due to various things…but I feel like I’m slowly starting to come out of that haze.
The important thing to remember, though, is that I have to keep working on this for me, and not just because it’s what people “expect” of me, or because I feel like I’m a bad person/failure/lazy for taking a break. Sometimes it takes years and years and years for big projects like this to get done, and that’s fine…I’m still a good person regardless of how “productive” I am…
The past few months have been unreal, and not so great for me…I’ve been dealing with some really heavy emotional issues (major life change coming up imminently, and huge chemical/hormonal issues in my body right now that have left me sick as hell, both physically and emotionally), but I’m feeling better today than I was yesterday, which is a start.
Male pronouns, I’m a man. I tried to live as a female for a while (around a year ago I realized I liked a lot of feminine things and wanted to express that side of myself, and thought that men absolutely couldn’t express a feminine side [I tend to be really black/white in my thinking, oops]) but it made me want to actually die, also I really don’t pass as a female at all, my voice is deeper than you’d expect, I have dark hair so you can always see my facial hair stubble even when I shave, and my hairline is obviously thinning (though this isn’t as noticeable now that I’m growing my hair out) so I just kind of look awkward and weird. I’m still not very masculine but honestly I really do like being a male.
IDK this past year has been a confusing eye-opener when it comes to my sexuality and identity I guess.